Grief: an intermission

 

Since no one really actually ever reads anything I post, I can pretty much say anything I want, right? Wrong. The very second I post anything about a person or place that feels they have been "wronged" in some way, the blasts of "take that down" "that's defamation" "that's invasion of privacy" "you're fired" will pour in, along with a lawsuit or two to take my publishing "off the shelf". 

That's how I feel about my memoirs, De'Master: Let You Tell It, completed Feb 2023, published to Amazon and then quickly removed for "fear" of backlash, backfire, hurt feelings and unemployment.

That's too bad. Writing was practically the only "freedom" I had left. Google blocked my ability to add posts to https://dreamweaverdiaries.blogspot.com/ so I'm putting everything over here now. 

Not that it matters. Again. No one reads any of this. That "number of views" counter in the creator dashboard could sting, but actually, it doesn't.  There is a sense of arrogance in being the quietest voice in the loudest room.  Being the "fly on the wall" can have its advantages.  We see more, we hear more, we learn more.  Watch the quiet ones. They are more effective than you think. That, I will agree with. 

But there is a still, overhanging sadness that hovers the unseen among us.  We long to be "seen"; to be "heard"; to be "accepted"; to be "happy".  Knowing from our observations that the "in" crowds are not really "in" at all. They're all scraping by, trying too hard, bloated and infectious. 

The rich don't get richer, they become more miserable and sad with every dollar they make. They're addicts; forever chasing an imaginary butterfly that will never land on their shoulder.  Those "1%" one-percenters, I tell you, they make for good gossip and entertainment, but we really should be praying for them.  We are literally watching them kill themselves and die right before our eyes.  You thought George Floyd or Rodney King or any televised death is bad, just look at entertainers, athletes, politicians, all the wealthy people in the world, everyday. Chasing the dragon. We are literally watching addicts kill themselves for sport. 

And for us, the remaining 99% of the world, left to suffer in the hunger games of the walking dead, well, we grieve.  This is our reality. This is the world under Satan's rule.  This is a world that has chosen to forget we have a God that will let us choose to do better. Be better. Live better. 

I learned a LOT of valuable little nuggets during my journal therapy, did you know you can "mourn the death of yourself?!" Yes. that's a thing. Again. Why am I surprised. Unpacking that, along with several other layers of stench and funk from the cobwebbed storage chest of pain that is my broken heart, I dove into the STAGES OF GRIEF like a person who doesn't know how to swim, dives into an empty dried up old swimming pool from the 20 foot high dive.

Back To Reality-

Well delight and inspire, it did. I’ve been writing for as long as I could pick up a utensil to spill thoughts into reality. It’s saddening that no one will ever see any of my writing. I always thought I was saying something useful or important that could help someone else. But numbers don’t lie. Turns out, no one cares. Should I be surprised.  A little. How can there be so many books, libraries, web sites, items in print and circulation if no one cared? How could it be that most writers appear to be so successful in movies and TV? 

Is it that dreams are real and reality is fake or is the tangible reality “real” and dreams are fake?

Either way, they were both a flop. What do you do when the dream and the reality are both a dud?

Seems as though countless others feel the same way. Because unlike my material, I read the article written by Matt Mayberry, just as I have cited or linked every stitch of incredibly helpful information in this entire collection:

What to do when dreams are crushed?

Here are four things to help you recover should it happen to you:

1.      Face the facts. If something has crushed your dream, do you find yourself in denial? ...

2.      Don't overanalyze. When something happens to crush your dream, you'll more than likely start to overanalyze. ...

3.      Surrender. ...

4.      Accept.

Apr 5, 2017

4 Actions: Recover from Crushed Dreams

Yep. Just more stages of grief; simplified or adjusted for the moment. Is this all that this life is? A series of let downs like roller coasters in the Stages of Grief Theme Park?

I don't know , but I know the One who does. Instead of turning to the muddy drying "self-help" material that moves like a debris-filled polluted creek, I go to Amos 5:24

I turn to the Word of God. And he reminds me: 

and even if the moment is brief, I smile a little, knowing that living with depression, loneliness, sadness, fear, frustration, pain, guilt, shame, anger, hate, disappointment, loathing and sadness, these too will pass. Thank God, life in this broken-fallen, hate filled hurtful world, is temporary. 

Matthew 5:4. "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." The Good News: God will never abandon us during our times of grief. Instead, he will always provide us with love and hope.

Time spent in hobbies, interests, with friends and family, sure, those are great, but the greatest joy of all is knowing, that any time, any day, any where, I can stop.

And have a talk with God. This. Is how I cope.  This is how I survive.  By leaning on the Word of God. He is the solid rock I stand on. Although my legs are weary and my arms are tired. He is strong where I am weak. He lifts me up, when all I do is beat myself down. He sees in me, a person I don't recognize. He sees me as someone who matters. Even when I don't feel like I matter at all. Thank you, Lord. For loving me. Even though I don't. 

Forgive me, please. Teach me how to love. And be loved. This is my prayer.