I have been blessed with a healthy eventful
life full of reading, writing, books, music, movies, museums, travel, culture,
arts, entertainment, and most of all, getting to know and developing an intimate
personal relationship with God and Christ Jesus with the guidance of the Holy
Spirit. It’s been great. Getting to know Him and getting to know the world and
everything in it. It’s been enjoyable for the most part (lots of love,
laughter, good times more than bad for sure and yet there are times when looking
back on it all, it just makes me sad. It shouldn’t, though, right? A good life
is a good life be thankful be joyous and be quiet. It could have been a lot different
of course.
But still, I feel sad. It comes and goes all the time. Suicide,
like sexual assault/rape…I definitely obviously don’t condone it, but I get it.
I get “why” people do what they do. I don’t like it. I hate it like God does. But
I get it. I get why people check out early. Maybe you live long enough to
outlive all or most of friends and family or loved ones and you’re all that’s left
or you devoted your life to fulfillment and betterment and it was plentiful and
joyous and rewarding in God’s eyes as well as your own. Or you go back to
feeling meh, if I left now would I ‘really’ be missing out on anything. It’s funny
but if you have to think about it that much or that hard you don’t want to do
it. You’re just going thru an emotional moment and this too shall pass. You literally
dodged a bullet or whatever it was you were going to use and lived to embrace
another day. And yes, there are those times where you might think, wait, I don’t
“really” want to “die” that’s a little overdramatic for the “moment” that comes
and goes. Permanent solution for a temporary sometimes bloated or inflated perceived
problem.
And yeah, I get it; you don’t want to die and you don’t want
to stay. The fence straddle can be quite uncomfortable surely. It’s a gray
space. That line between too far gone and too close to the sun. I could understand
if you wouldn’t be missed; but you will. I could even understand if you were
not loved; but you are. It could even sort of understand if you were not important
of didn’t matter to someone who depends on you in some way or another. But they
do. And lastly, I could even try to swallow the hard pill if you were a hardened
criminal who has turned his back on God and man and deserved to die for your
crimes in sin! But you’re not.
You, see? Because you matter. Your life matters. And to
have one foot in this life and one foot edging the door to “exit” this world, it’s
clearly unhealthy and puts unnecessary pressure and stress on yourself that you
don’t need. Most of all of these things mentioned. You “should” matter to “you”
– you “should” love “you” – you would miss “you”! Trust and believe there is “something”
in life you would miss if you were not here anymore. I don’t care if it was
your favorite hobby, food or drink or place to go or person to visit –
something or someone – you would miss. And believe or not – there is a moment
of regret for most between that moment of initiating the execution upon
yourself and that moment of no return; like a person who jumps or shoots themselves
or whatever they tried – pills etcetera whatever and … ding ding wake up! Guess
what?! You didn’t die! You survived the attempt or attempts. Whether it be by
witness, medic, hospital, pastor, priest, family or friend; God saw it fit to
STOP you.
Not yet. It is not your appointed time. The Bible is repeatedly
clear on this.
https://www.openbible.info/topics/days_of_life
I look back on my life and think, wow, that may have been
me. Was I the one living spiritually emotionally feeling like I had one foot in
and one foot out? My songs, poems, short stories, all had a touch or pinch of
darkness that reflect a deep to be more than I am; larger than life persona; a
man’s man; the guy that all the ladies want to be with and all the men want to
be; a distinguished gentleman; accomplished. Interesting; intriguing. I had an
undertone of ‘god’ complex; I often wished I were an angel with powers; like a
superhero out of a metaphysical comic book. Oh wait. That was already taken. By
Jesus in the Bible; even scarier; that’s real!
Let’s change that desire. Let’s desire to matter. To more
than others and God but to ourselves. If you get stuck in the “gray” – find yourself
rambling on a broken tape of stinkin’ thinkin’ telling yourself all the wrong
things when they should be positive uplifting and encouraging. The mind can be
renewed! Romans 12:2.
You were fearfully and wonderfully made… Psalm 139:14
