Reality

 

HIDING MY REALITY

While visions of sugar plums danced in the head, 

wondered would it matter if living or dead. 

Some fat, some skinny, some short, some tall; no matter the song – 

danced with them all.

Moments bitter, memories sweet; enchanted in illustrious delight to meet; 

sweeping willows from their head to their feet.

 

Feared yesterday to come and say goodbye, not nary a heart did nil draw nigh.

They came and they went, didn’t give it much thought. 

The problem or the solution. 

Of both, I was a part. I suppose, on the relationship, it just depends, 

but either way, they all came to an end.

You laugh and point the finger at the lonely old man. 

Sure, I’m Single Income, No Kids, what of it? A meme? 

This generation knows nothing of true heartbreak, it seems.

Today, everything’s merely nothing more than a click or a view. 

But what about the person. What about the real you?

Oh, that’s the part you try to hide, deep down inside. 

But just remember, from yourself and from God, you cannot hide.

-DeMaster Thomas, 4/29/23

Relationships: help! I'm in my own way

 See full article at: Psychology Today

 

"Making and Keeping Priorities"

adapted from the Unhurried Series, CCRC

You have heard it said in passing and in song, "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven." (Ecclesiastes 3:1) Well, like it or not, this is true for you and me. We go about our lives in a hurry. Quick to work, fast to play, some of the time, completely unorganized and frazzled, most of the time, feeling behind in our daily endeavors and wanting to blast off on a rocket ship into the future just get a sense of completion and accomplishment. 

What if I told you that for each day that comes, you have exactly enough time in that particular day to do what is actually intended for that day only? In other words, your priorities, if in line with the will and flow of the world around you, will fall properly in place and succeed to completion every day because the world would rise up to meet you in getting it done. 

Sounds too good to be true? Well, it's not. And most of it is our own fault. We tend to look at  each day as it is the last day we can ever get everything in our life span done! That's obviously faulty logic and if we simply step back and "re-prioritize" what is truly important and fulfilling to our purpose for that day and that day only, saving for the next day what is to come, we will find ourselves more accomplished, less fatigued, leaving and entering each day refreshed and ready for what is to come. 

Time and Purpose operate on four basic fundamentals:

-Life has given me all the time I need to fulfill my purpose in it.

-If the negative things in life don't make you bad, they will keep you busy.

-Vision for Life: The Pursuit of the Pace

-To finish well is to live an abundant life with margin from a secure identity.

So, first things first. SLOW DOWN. Life isn't going anywhere. And if it does, relax, your purpose in it was served and it's your time to go! Sounds harsh and cold, I know, but stay with me. Life has its schedule and you have yours. But ask yourself, "do you have the courage to choose what matters most?" What are you filling your days with? Are they rewarding and uplifting for the betterment of self and others or are they "time stealers" or "time vampires," robbing and sucking the life out of your day, leaving nothing behind but regret and despair? In other words, what are you doing all day? And if it is productive and motivating, are you doing too much? Are you allowing enough time for each task of the day to marinate, stew, go down easy, and be truly satisfying? Well, if you're not, here's a little irony for you, now is the time! 

Tasks are categorized by four sections:

-Important and urgent

-Important but not urgent

-Not important but urgent

-Not important and not urgent

 

If you are familiar with Stephen Covey's, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, then you remember the graph above. But did you really take the meat from it or just apply it for work and home? Did you really apply it deeply to where it affects your mind and spirit? This is called, the Interactive Plan to live by what matters most. Once this is in tune, the other mechanical tasks ie work, school, shopping, errands, etc. will fall into place. 

The Interactive Plan

A. Faith - most of us have a faith base or some sort of foundation of principles that guide our moral compass. This comes first. Your focus must be clear and direct with your morality intact to act as your guide.

B. Family - People are eternal. Things are temporary. Husbands, love your wives, be ready to give yourself up for her and your family. Do not intentionally provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in discipline and constructive instruction.  Love equals time, not money!

C. Friends - relationships matter. Ask yourself, would you want to be your friend? It's one of the oldest golden rules in the book, love others as you would have them love you. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. What goes around, comes around. I think you get the point. 

Now that you have the blueprint, take some time to give yourself time for the more important priorities in your life and remember, there's always tomorrow. 

~DeMaster Thomas~ 

 

   

Life and Love

With all areas of life and love there comes residual side effects. Some of them are good and some of them are bad. It really depends on the individual and the issues they are going through. However, there is a universal stigma that applies to both an that is the declaration of possessive behavior in relationships.

Generally speaking, there are two sides to every story. It has been argued that whether it's good or bad is a matter of opinion. So let's look at the extremes and let you decide.

A. There are those who believe that possessive behavior in relationships can prove to be very healthy. For example, it will show a level of emotional ownership that leads to a physical responsibility. Acting on that responsibility shows that you care. To show you care means you truly do love the person. And if you love the person, then you will honestly honor, cherish and adore that person. You would not intentionally mean to cause harm, trouble or sorrow, you will always forgive and you will always come back.

B. Then there are those who see it a little differently. Others believe distance can make the heart grow fonder. That distance can also become a crutch or a justified excuse that never really fully allows the person to fully commit or become attached. By remaining physically and emotionally distant, the person can keep the protective barrier that protects them from getting hurt or from loving or hurting others. It is safe. Safe means not having to fully invest yourself. Less investment means lowering your risks and losses in case the relationship fails.

Which one are you? Are you more like "A" or more like "B"? Or do you feel you are somewhere in the middle? Playing it safe when it comes to matters of the heart can be smart depending on who you are choosing to deal with or playing it safe could block your ability to fully open up, be vulnerable, revealing and accepted.

The loving heart has only one desire: to be loved in return. A loving person only wants to be loved for exactly who they are at the core and for love to find them right where they are right now.

Ultimately, where there is pure love there is pure intention. Time stands still. You will no longer run from your past or speed through your future. You will be content where you are: in love. So if you haven't already, let love find you where you are now. Do not be afraid of the past or anxious about the future. Life will know what to do with love - even when you don't.

-DeMaster Thomas

The Heart Is Three

It's funny to think a person can grow to be a hundred years old, but their heart will always be three. Why, you ask? Well, it's pretty simple. The core of the heart is made of pure love. Contrary to popular belief, the core of the heart is not evil at all. That would be our "human nature", a bi-product of our character, but not the true nature of your heart. Accept it or not, we are all a little spoiled and childish when it comes to some things. This includes work, relationships, friends, family and even total strangers. It's okay to admit it. We all have our moments of O.C.S., Only Child Syndrome.

Remember when you were around two or three and you were always the center of attention? You said, mine! Mine! Mine! A lot. Well, that was natural. It is a part of your being to want and desire to be loved and to attract to things that make you happy. It is also natural to want and desire and attract to people that make you happy. This is where relationships come into play. I like a boy, no one else can have him. Why? Because he's mine. You want the girl, but she doesn't want you. But since you can't have her, nobody can. Um...what?! Unfortunately, this is the broken, faulty logic we have all found ourselves stuck in a time or two.

We have been conditioned to believe that somehow when we get into a relationship, the other person is no longer a person, they mysteriously become our "property"-not someone, but something we can claim as our own. This is simply not true.  The fact of the matter is, that person was, is and still will be A PERSON! NOT PROPERTY before, during and after that relationship. This ideal that we must be possessive, controlling and relentlessly pressured to put a person under our wing so to speak, is frankly a defense mechanism built-in to protect the one we truly love the most in the relationship-ourselves! That's right. It's really us that we're protecting. You see, it's one thing to invest money, time and attention to a relationship, but once you apply your heart into it, that's a done deal. You are emotionally invested and that holds more weight than any other investment you have brought in. At that very moment, we go from our age to our shoe size.

We hard wire in silly pet names that shave down that key of love permanently broken off in the other person's heart, like 'sweetheart' 'baby' 'dear' 'sweetie' 'honey' 'boo' and things like that. Not realizing that unconsciously they are reducing the "adult inside" all the way down to the size of that "inner child." In other words, it gives the person saying all of that a position of nurturing protection and possession and gives the receiver a position of needing to be nurtured, protected or sheltered. While there are healthy levels of all of these things in a one on one relationship, too much of anything will kill you.

So. What do we do about it? Well, the answers are pretty easy, it's the application that makes or breaks you. You see, to open up, acknowledge, communicate, and remember that you are involved with another human being with feelings and thoughts and a life of their own outside of you, that's the hard part. But if you plan on making it last, you better wake up and realize that doing the most or not enough just may be the reason why your relationship is where it is in the first place. Being responsive to each other in a constructive manner means talking things out completely in their entirety. No matter how may ways you say it, you must continue to work on that bridge of dialogue or nothing else will be able to cross. Then apply what you have just learned from your partner in a loving and mature manner.

Do not expect your husband or boyfriend to be a knight in shining armor, a miracle worker or a savior. He is none of those things. He is still the man you fell in love with and you must remind yourself that the things that attracted you to him in the first place are still there, but you are learning more about him now and it is up to you to decide if you can live with them or not. Men, same goes for you. Women are not your playboy toy, your personal chef, your arm candy, your maid, your mother or your drinking buddy at the ball game. She is your wife or girlfriend and should be treated as such. She is not superwoman, although she would like to think she is and women your man is not God-no matter how much you think he can "fill that gaping emptiness" inside you - only God can fill that, so before you come to your man you better have your affairs in order because your own heart and mind may not be in the right place and your liable to say something off the wall and run that man right up out of there for no good reason at all.

Lastly, women, never give a man an ultimatum. I guarantee you 90% of the time, he will take it and you are not going to like it, because you're wondering how come the almighty vagina didn't win? Well that's because the woman standing in line right behind you has one too and she is more than happy to oblige. Men don't think you're off the hook either, because as quick as you are to turn on your woman is as quick as she is to find another man to give her what she is not getting at home. True love and affection, intimacy and positive attention from you is what she seeks most. That's right, women can be men, too.

 

So the next time you are ready to throw up your fists and start fighting to protect your heart, whether it is with action or with words, remember that your heart is just a baby needing love and protection and that's the reason why you feel the way you feel. You just want to be held, adored, cared for, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the one you trust completely and hold so near and dear to you --- feels the same way. Remember that you are both adults and rational logic must come into play before you lash out. Be proactive instead of reactive and let that same love that brought you together in the first place, be your guide to a brighter future. Like they say in the old south, "you attract more bees with honey than you do with vinegar." 

Until next time, I am DeMaster Thomas and this - is Real Living.

Self-Sex: A "Touchy" Subject

If you or someone you know suffers from addiction: get help now: call 1-800-993-3869

It's been said, too much of anything can hurt or kill you. This is a fact we cannot ignore. We are only human. Many believe that addictions are not diseases at all. But for those who are ready to accept and acknowledge their own truths, addictions are diseases and yes: there is a cure.

In this section, we are going to focus on masturbation/pornography addiction. Globally, countless hours have been spent writing and researching about this sensitive subject by medical professionals, independent research groups and community interest organizations. And even though their motives may differ, they all reach the same conclusion: The abuse of alcohol, drugs, gambling, and food all take a backseat to the #1 addiction for women, men and children: SEX. Believe it or not, studies show that we are all, in some way or another, so heavily over-exposed to sex, that it has been ranked the #1 addiction. Obviously with no thanks to modern technology, right? Today, we have unlimited access to Internet pornography, sex-ting, and the overflow of sexuality spilling from pop culture through music, television and magazines.  Pornography has been compared by some experts to be the equivalent to cancer. It is a silent killer. You do not realize you are sick until you have lost your relationship or your job as a result of your illness.

And then there is masturbation. What's the connection? Well additional research tells us the #1 reason for watching porn is to masturbate and masturbation by itself is addictive. When the two are brought together, it is a recipe for mental, physical and emotional disaster. In this case, 1+1=zero.

But why? Sex is the most natural part of a man and woman expressing their love for each other. How could this possibly be unhealthy? Before we answer that, consider this. On average, most men and women think about sex several times throughout the day. This is a physiological response to outside stimulation as well as mental stimulation or as some call it - fantasizing. Think of your body as a machine that is programmed to do only what you tell it to do. If you tell your body, it is time to reproduce and procreate, it sends a signal to the brain that triggers chemical responses which result in pleasure and happiness. However, you are not a bunny. You are a thinking being with self-control and you know that you cannot just stop every 30 seconds to 10 minutes to have sex.  So what do we do with all of these thoughts and feelings that's been piling up all day?



The fact of the matter is the human body is undeniably, naturally designed for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. Contrary to all cultural and popular beliefs, every creative and imaginative method we have come up with to get around this irrefutable fact has failed. As the slogan goes, "you can't beat the real thing."

A. The first choice is the best and most obvious. If you are currently in a healthy monogamous relationship, share and explore those sexual desires with your partner as an expression of passion and love.

B. If you are not able to be with your lover one-on-one for whatever reason, there are other compassionate ways to show just how much you physically desire them. Some examples include enticing poetry, alluring but tasteful pictures, seductive conversation by telephone, creative yet tasteful exhibition by web cam or phone cam, exotic art, crafts, paintings and/or erotic foods prepared by you for them and only them. There is no law religious or scientific that says you can't say "I want and desire you and only you: my love" a hundred-and-one different ways.

"Well that's all fine and dandy, but I'm single!" you say...well I didn't forget about the single people. Here is a myth buster for you - did you know that masturbation and pornography ranks higher among couples than it does with single people? I was surprised, myself. Here is another myth buster that the ladies will not like or admit to. Did you also know that masturbation among women ranks higher than men on average of 3 to 1? Well believe it. Sorry ladies, the secret is out. The female body has a special gift from nature. Repetitive and/or multiple orgasms are rare among males if at all in most cases, but proven to be very common among females. Women have longer reflex response times, quicker recovery periods between climaxes and tend to find greater sexual pleasure from more than one orgasm in one lovemaking session. The male, by design, on purpose, has a shorter reflex response time, longer recovery period between climaxes and tend to be quite pleased if they are able to have at least two orgasms within one lovemaking session. This is all simple biology and truly leans more on science than anything else. While every person is slightly different in personal preference and experience, this is just the way the human body is made.

Now. Enough with science class. What about the "release of my single sexual tension?" 

Marketing machines love the single person. After all, "sex" sells. It's ubiquitous.  But believe it or not, you have the upper hand. (No pun intended)

Here are some Healthy Alternatives to masturbation: 

(Couples, this goes for you as well!)

     

1. Clean/block all the porn from all your personal computers, electronic devices and living spaces. This will start your path to a clean mind which leads to a clean body and ultimately results in a clean heart.
 

2. Set up filters to block it and let someone else choose the password to unblock it. It's like giving someone else the key to your-now empty liquor cabinet.


3. Replace the time you masturbate with something "constructive". Examples include working out or exercising, hobbies, arts, crafts, call a friend or family member, read a book without pictures on any topic other than sex, write in a diary or journal. Now be mindful that you are not simply replacing one addictive behavior with another. It is very easy for addictive personalities to let go of one thing and latch on to another.

4. Think healthy : be healthy. Make the better you a reality by changing your focus and thinking clearly.  There is nothing morally or biologically wrong with you that you have sexual desires. It is totally healthy and natural. How you respond to your body makes the difference between a peaceful and respectful dignity and character and a pervert or a weak willed individual. The mind controls the body-not the other way around. You are in the driver's seat.


5. Be aware of your surroundings and avoid unnecessary and excessive exposure. This needs to be said even if you've heard it before: what you put into your mind and body is what you get out of it. If you fill it with garbage you will put out nothing but garbage. Plain and simple. Filling the body and mind with images and activities that kill, steal and destroy will only result in broken relationships, damaged mental capacity and in some cases, physical illness and sickness. Just like any other addiction, the body breaks down when abused.

6. Change your playground and you change your playmates. No, not those kind of playmates, stay focused. Take an inventory of the kind of people you associate with and take a closer look at who your friends are. Do they promote a strong healthy lifestyle? Do they accentuate who you are? Do they motivate and elevate you in a positive way? If you said no to two or more of these questions? Well "goodnight sweetheart, it's time to go." It may be time to trim the fat and cut those unhealthy, negative, destructive people out of your life.

7. Face the truth! Far too many of us are in denial. We use irrational justification to negatively reinforce our behaviors. Think about it. Do you find yourself saying one of these  phrases before you masturbate to pornography or just close your eyes and imagine?

 ..."I only masturbate to relieve stress after a hard day at work...I don't masturbate that much, maybe once or twice a week if that...what's the big deal-it's my body...I'm not hurting anyone, I'm alone...no one sees me doing it, so why should it matter what I do in the privacy of my own home...I want to learn my body and know everything about it before I'm with my sexual partner...when I masturbate, I'm not thinking of any one person, just feeling good and pleasing myself...I only think of my boyfriend or husband/girlfriend or wife...I never think about my best friend's wife or daughter when I masturbate...what I would do to my coworker if he/she gave me five minutes on the desk right now...I just can't wait anymore-it's been --- days/months/years and I deserve to be sexually happy..."

And the list goes on and on. Of course there are several rebuttals to these mental statements that doctors and pastors would love to say to you while you are relishing in the moment, but you are correct. You are alone. It is your body and the fact is: you masturbate because you can. It is your choice and it is up to you to decide what is healthy for you and what is not.

FACT: Medical/Scientific:

The human body DOES NOT NEED masturbation or pornography. Even today with all of our modern medicine and technological advancement in the study of the human brain and body; no scientist or medical professional has been able to find one credible, reputable accepted: biological, physiological or psychological need for masturbation or pornography. NONE. Instead, only reveals and confirms what it is, what it does, why its done and its adverse effects. No reproductive purpose has been discovered to date.

Men-your sperm is broken down as energy; fuel for the body to use and what is not used is disposed of naturally.
Women-your orgasm, scientifically speaking, has no reproductive function whatsoever: only pleasure, tension release and keeping the "lines" clean-at the appropriate time during intercourse. Trust that your body knows how to take care of itself and maintain a healthier you.
 

FACT: Culture/Society:

There is NO SUCH THING as ''blue balls'' "numb nuts" "dry pie" "bat caves" or any other countless number of verbally horrific ways to describe a person who has not had an orgasm. If you believe you have a legitimate health concern or other orgasmic disorder, please consult a physician, therapist or specialist and get the proper care you need. It is not uncommon for some medical and psychiatric professionals to suggest mutual masturbation for couples or self-stimulation exercises under proper therapeutic care. Treatment plans vary depending on the individual so be sure to tell your doctor if you believe you may have difficulty having an orgasm or if you are not able to orgasm during intercourse.

FACT: Moral/Personal:
Pornography and masturbation do not have limits. Much like any other addiction, there is no boundary to age, sex, creed or personal belief system. Masturbation normally starts in childhood and is continued and/or further explored through puberty and carried into adulthood. Pornography and sexually charged clothing, products, goods and services literally engulf most modern cultures. Your child may be learning the wrong things about sex and about their bodies if they are learning it from fashion, television, music, magazines, motion pictures, Internet and personal devices such as cell phones and web cameras. While it may be perfectly normal for a child to explore and learn how their bodies work and how certain things they do make them feel, it is ultimately the parent(s) or guardian(s) responsibility to properly and appropriately educate the child on sex, sexuality and masturbation. This includes teaching and explaining to them what the difference is between love and lust; physical desire/attraction vs. emotional/mental connection. And although many cultures/societies live by the motto 'it takes a village to raise a child' , it is not society's responsibility, it is not the public school system's responsibility, it is not the church priest or the Sunday school teacher's responsibility to raise and rear your children. It is your responsibility. Teach them well and understand that what you do to your own body will effect them in one way or another. Some say the best way to remember this rule of thumb is simply to say to yourself, if it's not healthy for my kids, it's not healthy for me.

:COUPLES:

You must be open, honest, and supportive of your partner's sexuality. True love and happiness in the bedroom is enriched when you take the time to learn the other person's body and sexual behaviors.  Do not be afraid to share and explore your deepest fantasies and bring them to life. The union between a man and woman is considered to be extra special just because of that fact alone. You can live out those daily desires with the second most important person in your life. Enjoy it.

 :SINGLES:

Be involved. Stay involved. When you have reached maturity, moved out of the home or reached an age at which you must venture for yourself, know that you have so much ahead of you to learn and embrace along the way. You are stronger than your weakest moments in life and quite frankly, you are never alone. There are plenty of other single people out there who are looking for the same experiences in life that you are. So instead of losing hours of your life you will never get back to porn or masturbating-go "get the real thing!" No I did not say the kind you 'pay for' or your 'friend with benefits' either. The real thing is so much more and is far more fulfilling. Why 'run' to get one thing when you can 'walk' and get it all? Take your time. Love will find you in more ways than one.

In closing, remember that you have the tools, the insight, the wisdom, and the faith to make a healthy choices with your mind and body. This site is filled with many suggestions for personal and professional growth. For more information on this subject and other related interests go to:
webmd.com
pornaddiction.com
recoveryconnection.org

Until next time, I am DeMaster Thomas and this-is Real Living.