Remember when you were around two or three and you were always the center of attention? You said, mine! Mine! Mine! A lot. Well, that was natural. It is a part of your being to want and desire to be loved and to attract to things that make you happy. It is also natural to want and desire and attract to people that make you happy. This is where relationships come into play. I like a boy, no one else can have him. Why? Because he's mine. You want the girl, but she doesn't want you. But since you can't have her, nobody can. Um...what?! Unfortunately, this is the broken, faulty logic we have all found ourselves stuck in a time or two.We have been conditioned to believe that somehow when we get into a relationship, the other person is no longer a person, they mysteriously become our "property"-not someone, but something we can claim as our own. This is simply not true. The fact of the matter is, that person was, is and still will be A PERSON! NOT PROPERTY before, during and after that relationship. This ideal that we must be possessive, controlling and relentlessly pressured to put a person under our wing so to speak, is frankly a defense mechanism built-in to protect the one we truly love the most in the relationship-ourselves! That's right. It's really us that we're protecting. You see, it's one thing to invest money, time and attention to a relationship, but once you apply your heart into it, that's a done deal. You are emotionally invested and that holds more weight than any other investment you have brought in. At that very moment, we go from our age to our shoe size.
We hard wire in silly pet names that shave down that key of love permanently broken off in the other person's heart, like 'sweetheart' 'baby' 'dear' 'sweetie' 'honey' 'boo' and things like that. Not realizing that unconsciously they are reducing the "adult inside" all the way down to the size of that "inner child." In other words, it gives the person saying all of that a position of nurturing protection and possession and gives the receiver a position of needing to be nurtured, protected or sheltered. While there are healthy levels of all of these things in a one on one relationship, too much of anything will kill you.
So. What do we do about it? Well, the answers are pretty easy, it's the application that makes or breaks you. You see, to open up, acknowledge, communicate, and remember that you are involved with another human being with feelings and thoughts and a life of their own outside of you, that's the hard part. But if you plan on making it last, you better wake up and realize that doing the most or not enough just may be the reason why your relationship is where it is in the first place. Being responsive to each other in a constructive manner means talking things out completely in their entirety. No matter how may ways you say it, you must continue to work on that bridge of dialogue or nothing else will be able to cross. Then apply what you have just learned from your partner in a loving and mature manner.
Do not expect your husband or boyfriend to be a knight in shining armor, a miracle worker or a savior. He is none of those things. He is still the man you fell in love with and you must remind yourself that the things that attracted you to him in the first place are still there, but you are learning more about him now and it is up to you to decide if you can live with them or not. Men, same goes for you. Women are not your playboy toy, your personal chef, your arm candy, your maid, your mother or your drinking buddy at the ball game. She is your wife or girlfriend and should be treated as such. She is not superwoman, although she would like to think she is and women your man is not God-no matter how much you think he can "fill that gaping emptiness" inside you - only God can fill that, so before you come to your man you better have your affairs in order because your own heart and mind may not be in the right place and your liable to say something off the wall and run that man right up out of there for no good reason at all.
Lastly, women, never give a man an ultimatum. I guarantee you 90% of the time, he will take it and you are not going to like it, because you're wondering how come the almighty vagina didn't win? Well that's because the woman standing in line right behind you has one too and she is more than happy to oblige. Men don't think you're off the hook either, because as quick as you are to turn on your woman is as quick as she is to find another man to give her what she is not getting at home. True love and affection, intimacy and positive attention from you is what she seeks most. That's right, women can be men, too.
So the next time you are ready to throw up your fists and start fighting to protect your heart, whether it is with action or with words, remember that your heart is just a baby needing love and protection and that's the reason why you feel the way you feel. You just want to be held, adored, cared for, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the one you trust completely and hold so near and dear to you --- feels the same way. Remember that you are both adults and rational logic must come into play before you lash out. Be proactive instead of reactive and let that same love that brought you together in the first place, be your guide to a brighter future. Like they say in the old south, "you attract more bees with honey than you do with vinegar."
Until next time, I am DeMaster Thomas and this - is Real Living.
3 comments:
Interesting theory there is sound advice in there and yet there is something....Lacking. Human nature is much more than a 3 year old child. Well written though.
Good stuff.
@ Bobby - It's more than interesting; it's right. The point of the 2 - 3 yr old is the sense of want/need physical patterns that we begin to recognize at that age... not to be confused with what we call human nature which, as you allude to, is seemingly inherent regardless of age.
However, this brings to surface another 'interesting' theory; much of what we brush off as human nature is not human nature at all, and that it is more-so a human condition. It is conditioning that has made them what they are. "Human nature" has become a misnomer for "out of touch with the Creator", but we need to return it to its real meaning... Humans have the nature to be what they are... made in the image of God.
My husband and I pray together and realized after many really pointless arguments that our anger was blocking our love for each other. I agree that we must exercise forgiveness. It's the only way for two people to really get through the difficult times and it bonds us.
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