Self-Sex: A "Touchy" Subject

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It's been said, too much of anything can hurt or kill you. This is a fact we cannot ignore. We are only human. Many believe that addictions are not diseases at all. But for those who are ready to accept and acknowledge their own truths, addictions are diseases and yes: there is a cure.

In this section, we are going to focus on masturbation/pornography addiction. Globally, countless hours have been spent writing and researching about this sensitive subject by medical professionals, independent research groups and community interest organizations. And even though their motives may differ, they all reach the same conclusion: The abuse of alcohol, drugs, gambling, and food all take a backseat to the #1 addiction for women, men and children: SEX. Believe it or not, studies show that we are all, in some way or another, so heavily over-exposed to sex, that it has been ranked the #1 addiction. Obviously with no thanks to modern technology, right? Today, we have unlimited access to Internet pornography, sex-ting, and the overflow of sexuality spilling from pop culture through music, television and magazines.  Pornography has been compared by some experts to be the equivalent to cancer. It is a silent killer. You do not realize you are sick until you have lost your relationship or your job as a result of your illness.

And then there is masturbation. What's the connection? Well additional research tells us the #1 reason for watching porn is to masturbate and masturbation by itself is addictive. When the two are brought together, it is a recipe for mental, physical and emotional disaster. In this case, 1+1=zero.

But why? Sex is the most natural part of a man and woman expressing their love for each other. How could this possibly be unhealthy? Before we answer that, consider this. On average, most men and women think about sex several times throughout the day. This is a physiological response to outside stimulation as well as mental stimulation or as some call it - fantasizing. Think of your body as a machine that is programmed to do only what you tell it to do. If you tell your body, it is time to reproduce and procreate, it sends a signal to the brain that triggers chemical responses which result in pleasure and happiness. However, you are not a bunny. You are a thinking being with self-control and you know that you cannot just stop every 30 seconds to 10 minutes to have sex.  So what do we do with all of these thoughts and feelings that's been piling up all day?



The fact of the matter is the human body is undeniably, naturally designed for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman. Contrary to all cultural and popular beliefs, every creative and imaginative method we have come up with to get around this irrefutable fact has failed. As the slogan goes, "you can't beat the real thing."

A. The first choice is the best and most obvious. If you are currently in a healthy monogamous relationship, share and explore those sexual desires with your partner as an expression of passion and love.

B. If you are not able to be with your lover one-on-one for whatever reason, there are other compassionate ways to show just how much you physically desire them. Some examples include enticing poetry, alluring but tasteful pictures, seductive conversation by telephone, creative yet tasteful exhibition by web cam or phone cam, exotic art, crafts, paintings and/or erotic foods prepared by you for them and only them. There is no law religious or scientific that says you can't say "I want and desire you and only you: my love" a hundred-and-one different ways.

"Well that's all fine and dandy, but I'm single!" you say...well I didn't forget about the single people. Here is a myth buster for you - did you know that masturbation and pornography ranks higher among couples than it does with single people? I was surprised, myself. Here is another myth buster that the ladies will not like or admit to. Did you also know that masturbation among women ranks higher than men on average of 3 to 1? Well believe it. Sorry ladies, the secret is out. The female body has a special gift from nature. Repetitive and/or multiple orgasms are rare among males if at all in most cases, but proven to be very common among females. Women have longer reflex response times, quicker recovery periods between climaxes and tend to find greater sexual pleasure from more than one orgasm in one lovemaking session. The male, by design, on purpose, has a shorter reflex response time, longer recovery period between climaxes and tend to be quite pleased if they are able to have at least two orgasms within one lovemaking session. This is all simple biology and truly leans more on science than anything else. While every person is slightly different in personal preference and experience, this is just the way the human body is made.

Now. Enough with science class. What about the "release of my single sexual tension?" 

Marketing machines love the single person. After all, "sex" sells. It's ubiquitous.  But believe it or not, you have the upper hand. (No pun intended)

Here are some Healthy Alternatives to masturbation: 

(Couples, this goes for you as well!)

     

1. Clean/block all the porn from all your personal computers, electronic devices and living spaces. This will start your path to a clean mind which leads to a clean body and ultimately results in a clean heart.
 

2. Set up filters to block it and let someone else choose the password to unblock it. It's like giving someone else the key to your-now empty liquor cabinet.


3. Replace the time you masturbate with something "constructive". Examples include working out or exercising, hobbies, arts, crafts, call a friend or family member, read a book without pictures on any topic other than sex, write in a diary or journal. Now be mindful that you are not simply replacing one addictive behavior with another. It is very easy for addictive personalities to let go of one thing and latch on to another.

4. Think healthy : be healthy. Make the better you a reality by changing your focus and thinking clearly.  There is nothing morally or biologically wrong with you that you have sexual desires. It is totally healthy and natural. How you respond to your body makes the difference between a peaceful and respectful dignity and character and a pervert or a weak willed individual. The mind controls the body-not the other way around. You are in the driver's seat.


5. Be aware of your surroundings and avoid unnecessary and excessive exposure. This needs to be said even if you've heard it before: what you put into your mind and body is what you get out of it. If you fill it with garbage you will put out nothing but garbage. Plain and simple. Filling the body and mind with images and activities that kill, steal and destroy will only result in broken relationships, damaged mental capacity and in some cases, physical illness and sickness. Just like any other addiction, the body breaks down when abused.

6. Change your playground and you change your playmates. No, not those kind of playmates, stay focused. Take an inventory of the kind of people you associate with and take a closer look at who your friends are. Do they promote a strong healthy lifestyle? Do they accentuate who you are? Do they motivate and elevate you in a positive way? If you said no to two or more of these questions? Well "goodnight sweetheart, it's time to go." It may be time to trim the fat and cut those unhealthy, negative, destructive people out of your life.

7. Face the truth! Far too many of us are in denial. We use irrational justification to negatively reinforce our behaviors. Think about it. Do you find yourself saying one of these  phrases before you masturbate to pornography or just close your eyes and imagine?

 ..."I only masturbate to relieve stress after a hard day at work...I don't masturbate that much, maybe once or twice a week if that...what's the big deal-it's my body...I'm not hurting anyone, I'm alone...no one sees me doing it, so why should it matter what I do in the privacy of my own home...I want to learn my body and know everything about it before I'm with my sexual partner...when I masturbate, I'm not thinking of any one person, just feeling good and pleasing myself...I only think of my boyfriend or husband/girlfriend or wife...I never think about my best friend's wife or daughter when I masturbate...what I would do to my coworker if he/she gave me five minutes on the desk right now...I just can't wait anymore-it's been --- days/months/years and I deserve to be sexually happy..."

And the list goes on and on. Of course there are several rebuttals to these mental statements that doctors and pastors would love to say to you while you are relishing in the moment, but you are correct. You are alone. It is your body and the fact is: you masturbate because you can. It is your choice and it is up to you to decide what is healthy for you and what is not.

FACT: Medical/Scientific:

The human body DOES NOT NEED masturbation or pornography. Even today with all of our modern medicine and technological advancement in the study of the human brain and body; no scientist or medical professional has been able to find one credible, reputable accepted: biological, physiological or psychological need for masturbation or pornography. NONE. Instead, only reveals and confirms what it is, what it does, why its done and its adverse effects. No reproductive purpose has been discovered to date.

Men-your sperm is broken down as energy; fuel for the body to use and what is not used is disposed of naturally.
Women-your orgasm, scientifically speaking, has no reproductive function whatsoever: only pleasure, tension release and keeping the "lines" clean-at the appropriate time during intercourse. Trust that your body knows how to take care of itself and maintain a healthier you.
 

FACT: Culture/Society:

There is NO SUCH THING as ''blue balls'' "numb nuts" "dry pie" "bat caves" or any other countless number of verbally horrific ways to describe a person who has not had an orgasm. If you believe you have a legitimate health concern or other orgasmic disorder, please consult a physician, therapist or specialist and get the proper care you need. It is not uncommon for some medical and psychiatric professionals to suggest mutual masturbation for couples or self-stimulation exercises under proper therapeutic care. Treatment plans vary depending on the individual so be sure to tell your doctor if you believe you may have difficulty having an orgasm or if you are not able to orgasm during intercourse.

FACT: Moral/Personal:
Pornography and masturbation do not have limits. Much like any other addiction, there is no boundary to age, sex, creed or personal belief system. Masturbation normally starts in childhood and is continued and/or further explored through puberty and carried into adulthood. Pornography and sexually charged clothing, products, goods and services literally engulf most modern cultures. Your child may be learning the wrong things about sex and about their bodies if they are learning it from fashion, television, music, magazines, motion pictures, Internet and personal devices such as cell phones and web cameras. While it may be perfectly normal for a child to explore and learn how their bodies work and how certain things they do make them feel, it is ultimately the parent(s) or guardian(s) responsibility to properly and appropriately educate the child on sex, sexuality and masturbation. This includes teaching and explaining to them what the difference is between love and lust; physical desire/attraction vs. emotional/mental connection. And although many cultures/societies live by the motto 'it takes a village to raise a child' , it is not society's responsibility, it is not the public school system's responsibility, it is not the church priest or the Sunday school teacher's responsibility to raise and rear your children. It is your responsibility. Teach them well and understand that what you do to your own body will effect them in one way or another. Some say the best way to remember this rule of thumb is simply to say to yourself, if it's not healthy for my kids, it's not healthy for me.

:COUPLES:

You must be open, honest, and supportive of your partner's sexuality. True love and happiness in the bedroom is enriched when you take the time to learn the other person's body and sexual behaviors.  Do not be afraid to share and explore your deepest fantasies and bring them to life. The union between a man and woman is considered to be extra special just because of that fact alone. You can live out those daily desires with the second most important person in your life. Enjoy it.

 :SINGLES:

Be involved. Stay involved. When you have reached maturity, moved out of the home or reached an age at which you must venture for yourself, know that you have so much ahead of you to learn and embrace along the way. You are stronger than your weakest moments in life and quite frankly, you are never alone. There are plenty of other single people out there who are looking for the same experiences in life that you are. So instead of losing hours of your life you will never get back to porn or masturbating-go "get the real thing!" No I did not say the kind you 'pay for' or your 'friend with benefits' either. The real thing is so much more and is far more fulfilling. Why 'run' to get one thing when you can 'walk' and get it all? Take your time. Love will find you in more ways than one.

In closing, remember that you have the tools, the insight, the wisdom, and the faith to make a healthy choices with your mind and body. This site is filled with many suggestions for personal and professional growth. For more information on this subject and other related interests go to:
webmd.com
pornaddiction.com
recoveryconnection.org

Until next time, I am DeMaster Thomas and this-is Real Living.