Conversation with an Angel: 2005
(Obviously
not really, I just like writing short stories)
Guardian angel: so, what did you like the
most?
Human: I would say it was the love, laughter
and sex. All in all, this would not have been possible without good health,
lots of great family and friends and most of all, the countless blessings.
Guardian angel: do you feel at this point
in your life you are ready for a change?
Human: I am ready for a change. I would
like to experience new surroundings, new challenges, new goals and adventures.
Guardian angel: the way it is now –
indecisiveness, cowardice failures and not standing up for yourself in many
situations of most of your adult life…what about that?
Human: I was hateful, hurtful, deeply
jealous of others; obsessed with sinful pleasures, laced with false truths and an
indescribable desire for absolute power and bliss – I suppose I failed.
Guardian angel: no, not at all.
Human: no?
Guardian angel: yes, these experiences
determine your outlook and reflections on life but you must remember one thing –
you now know what it feels like – to be HUMAN.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wjk4Pn4X2Q
Sept 2005: our relationship with “All That Is” (aka
GOD), is the indirect relation with each other. How we treat each other is how
we treat God. Any commitment or deep relationship requires the same amount of
ingredients in order to be successful. How God loves you, (is how) so should
you love yourself and others. The same
fear and love and all the emotions in between are shared by God for you. The desire
to want to heal human suffering, the need for stretching beyond the limits of
the imagination, the desire to want revenge, justice and punishment are all
part of God’s feelings for you. (God knows how we feel about everything in
every moment-He feels it, also and will do something about it in His way)
There are many who deny the unseen umbilical
cord between God and human. They will say it’s not humanly possible to act,
think, feel and do as God does. This is simply not true. Everyday, you are
alive, you are thinking, acting upon, feeling and experiencing; the same way
God does.
(Well know exactly true, but I get the
point I was trying to make; that we get our thoughts feelings and actions from
God; we are made in His image; there’s nothing we can think of or experience
that He doesn’t already know how it feels; literally nothing. Period. But again,
Isaiah 55…)
Remember, you are half-human; half-spirit;
created on purpose with reason and design. This is the indisputable truth. You “exist”
there you “are”. (In short, you are
mental and you are physical - the two are interlinked from creation to death;
but then separated and rejoined again-nothing we can do about it-it’s how we’re
made by God.)
https://www.openbible.info/topics/human_beings
https://philosophybreak.com/articles/i-think-therefore-i-am-descartes-cogito-ergo-sum-explained/
Be still and listen and you will hear the
voice of emotional peace, crying out through the slaughter.
(Sounds of Silence-Simon and Garfunkel … it’s
funny how “loud” complete silence is! It’s like you almost have to put some
music on or sit outside or the silence will hurt your ears and give you a slight
headache – unless you’re trying to meditate or go to sleep)
Close your eyes so they may be opened to
see beyond the worldly limits and allow the sight of infinite patience and
wisdom to the permanently burned into your soul. (I was saying get ready to
dream and see if any messages of divine wisdom come to me that I can apply in
life)
Bible verse at the top of page:
Everything is possible for Him who believes mark 9.23
Oct 17, 2005: and so, the Power of God has moved us to
do His Will and do what it does best: create life. there are so many thoughts,
feelings, and emotions that go into the birth of a child, that it is indescribable.
(Psalm 139:14) To truly, “play God” is to decide whether to allow a life to
live or die.
This is our greatest power, privilege and
responsibility given to us, by God.
We must use this extremely incontestable
power to the highest and utmost level; in the most absolute certainty imaginable
– there is but only one outcome – life or death. And most of all – the decision
is permanent. There is no turning back;
no second chances – what is done is done.
(In other words, same thing goes for murder
and suicide – DON’T DO IT. death is a one-way street)
And so, today, I decide that life is
far more precious, priceless, immeasurable, invaluable, unimaginable and
infinite in-and-of itself than any thought or notion of death could ever be.
Today, I choose life – today, I choose
love – today, I choose forever; immortal, eternal, life for my child.
(Yeah, this must have been the abortion
scare with Dorothy Ortiz that sparked this journal entry because I’ve never had
anyone I was with have an abortion. I’ve never gotten anyone pregnant my whole
life. Deuteronomy 30:19. https://www.gotquestions.org/choose-life.html)
Oct 2005: in the blink of an eye, it all changes. It
all comes down to one thing – this one thing is the explanation, the reason,
the purpose for everything else that has happened in your life. And in that single
blink – it all makes sense. Someday, it will all make sense and this day has
come.
(Um, okay, not sure what happened that
day – guess we’ll find out. I know that Oct 2005 was after I had already been let
go from AAA, was living with Shaleka I think up at the Lakes and working at Citibank
or Worldwide whatever, no wait, that was 2006 so all of this would have been before
the move. I was still living with Summer up on LV Blvd at the condo then. Go
on.)
This is my life, my story, my tale. No matter
how destructive, hurtful, painful and sinful it is; it is still my life.
(Oh god, woe is me! Good grief, the pity-party
is never ending, ugh! I swear, this is hard to read sometimes. What the fuck
was I complaining about now?!)
It has become what is from the decisions I
have made and I have created wonderous experiences as a result of my choices. No
one can take that away. No one.
(Correct. Now that I will agree with. Your
life in 2005 and now, is a direct result of your choices!)
As with the book, “Conversations with God”,
there are other writers who capture our shared knowledge in published print. Another
book to find a permanent place in my recordings. It is “Epic” by John Eldredge.
It is a book that highlights many important elements of life, love and the
pursuit of happiness.
These are excerpts from “Epic”. My study notes, not quotes from the book.
Life is a story and you’re in it. you have a role to
play regardless if you are young, old, man or woman. There is something larger
going on. Ask yourself. What sort of tale have I fallen into? With all that we
experience and see in our world and the world around us, we have settled for
uncertainty – we have accepted not knowing.
That’s not merely a show of humility. It’s a sign of our shared belief
that nothing certain can be known. All we have now is our opinions. There is a
larger story – a greater purpose. We can discover the story.
Maybe not with perfect clarity, maybe not in the
detail we would like, but definitely with more understanding and comprehension
than we have now. The story is written on the human heart. God has planted eternity in the human heart.
To know all of the answers before the questions are
asked deems the quest for knowledge null and void. There would be no meaning –
no point. Not all the answers will be revealed only because it is not time yet.
All things in time.
Oct 2005: “Epic” continues.
Christianity claims to do that for us. It tells us
that the story has a beginning, a middle and an end. True Christianity, not the
dogma and doctrines and religions, says, the Author of this story is loving,
careful, protective and persevering.
Bible verse at top of page: Trust in the
Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding Proverbs 3:5
The Story of Life is truer and deeper than any story
imaginable by human limit. It is the ultimate love story that all stories come
from in all existence. The thought that the Creator of this story was alone is heart
wrenching. It is wonderful to discover
God has never been alone. The fellowship is a relationship. the relationship
between us and God is made out of love. This whole story is something
relational.
How did we get here? it is impossible that it simply
started of its own accord. There is no such thing as accidental creation of Heaven
and Earth and humankind. The earth has all the marks of an artist’s hand. Nature
is personal. Life in-and-of itself reflects personality. Evolution does not
create personality. Only personality begets personality. God exists whether we
choose to accept that or not. It will not change that fact. God exists at the
heart of all things – at the heart of us.
And in that core, there is a unique and individual
personality. Fellowship brings together the gathering of hearts. community.
Trinity. Relationship at the core. To be human means to be relational. From human
comes human. There is no other way. From
God, comes the heart of the human personality. In all of us, there is a longing
to be part of something. Our deepest desire is the need to belong; to be part
of things; to be invited in. from the relationship with God, comes the longing
for friends, family, community – a place where love is found in abundance. A place
where there is no judgement; instead, there is patience and understanding.
Funny how the same thing we seek from God is the same
thing we seek from each other. This is who we are by design. It is written on
the human heart.
Eldredge continues. (again, my study
notes, not words from the book)
What went wrong? Where did the story take a turn for
the worse? When there was order, there was the temptation for chaos. When there
is peace, there was the temptation for war. One force fell prey to this
temptation and changed the weighs of the scales forever.
(This is where I was reflecting on the
fall of Adam and Eve, humankind is doomed from that point on to today; until
Jesus gets back, we’re fucked – I got “In the weighs of the Scales” from X-Clan;
where they also talk about the battle of good and evil; light vs darkness;
Jesus vs. satan and so on)
It was on this day all hell broke loose. Things happened
long before humankind came along. Things that altered the balance of life
forever. Angels were in existence long before humans were. They were majestic
in appearance, frightful in virgin eyes. Their presence among humans, commands untorn
attention. Yes. We do share our stage with other players, whether we choose to
accept it or not. At the head of the countless number of angelic hosts stood
the first angel in creation. The first angel was vainglorious (another X-Clan
word) in heart and grew tired of sitting still in its humility.
https://www.gotquestions.org/one-third-angels.html
Quick correction. I was referring to
Lucifer falling from heaven but he was not the first angel ever made; not even
the first Cherub of his kind; but he was the first that we know of in the Bible
to be cut down and sentenced to life on death row along with all his friends
and followers. Isaiah 14:12 – Revelation 20. I was saying how now that we are
in 2005, dealing with the aftermath of a good idea gone literally to hell; all
we can do is focus on Jesus Christ, the Bible and hold on until He gets back. Spread
the Word to others so they can rest assured of the same Good News and that’s it.
Not much else we can do but learn, grow, reach and teach. Go on.
The angel, aka son of the Morning, rose up against
its Creator and King and declared war. It was a battle for the supremacy – a battle
for position; selfish worship and adoration. This battle continues over
centuries – sweeping our existence into its immeasurable firestorms of peace
vs. pride.
Our lives are shit and piss over bragging
rights and real estate?! Come on, existence. Do better.
Balance, order and eternity meets its counterparts –
instability, chaos and death.
Evil has entered the story. The battle continues
today. We are in the middle – right in the heart of the greatest story ever
told. We are in the eye of the storm.
Bible
verse top of page: My soul praises the
Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior. Luke 1: 46-47.
So now we have to use one of our greatest powers as
humans. We must use our power of decision and free will (ugh, not will – choice!)
to determine which leader to follow. The King and Creator or the “son of the
Morning”. Or worse – we decide to rise up and form our own nation of nations among
the legions of creation and chaos to either remain neutral, act in self-defense
or wage war.
Just as “son of the morning” chose to rise up,
humankind has that same choice.
Problem is, we’re all bat shit crazy! The
whole of us! 3% of us are locked up and the other 97% of us are running the
fucking planet into the ground. We’re all functional mentally disabled people. Functional
addicts. Sick sad shame. Well, now we know what happens when we go against God,
go against His plan and do our own thing. It turns out like this. Welcome to the broken -fallen. Ta da. Anyway,
back to it.
Now it is time to decide; stay with the King or
choose the Rebel, attempt to remain neutral, fight them both or only respond in
self-defense. The war between the King and Rebel is depicted historically as
the greatest battle known in existence – there has never been a death rate
higher in the history of all known time. The war ended with the King remaining
victorious and in control of the Holy Throne.
The Rebel has lost. Punishment is declared on the leader of rebellion
and any-and-all followers and supporters were cast out of the Kingdom of Peace
for eternity.
It reads like a child’s storybook or an old wives’
tale, told around brisk bond fires at camp. This is the story as Eldredge captures,
evil has entered the story. God won and defeated Satan. Satan, out of eternal
distain, attempts to destroy everything God loves through manipulation and
lies. Satan calls God’s own heart into question to persuade us in our decision.
So now the battle for the adoration and worship from the humans begins.
And it doesn’t stop there. In many ways, more than we
care to acknowledge, we have grown numb to suffering. It is as if we have dulled
the receptors to no longer generate emotion from the pain of death.
Nov 7, 2005: Even I, as the author, wish I did not feel as I do
about my own painful “deaths.” Today, I was part of “death”. Whether by the
hand of a criminal or a doctor, a family member, friend or stranger, murder is
still murder. Today, I experienced murder in the form of abortion.
In short, looking back on the entries
before the “Epic” discussion, I spoke of choosing life. Ultimately, it was not
my decision. It was the decision of the mother. With all
things considered, it is truly an indescribable emotional experience that I will
never forget.
(In other words, marital affair or not, I
would NEVER abort my child! period. Ever!)
Eldredge says, “we forget how fantastic
and limitless the wonders of life really are. And every now and then something
happens to break the monotony and demand our attention.”
These are those times I refer to as the ‘snatching
of the collar’. God will try to get your attention and will ask you nicely two
times and third time if you still don’t answer, God will snatch your collar and
command your attention.
(I also always say God will whisper two
times and the third the time He’ll snatch your spine out the back of your throat
and ask you Can you Hear Me Now! Good. Listen up. I’m talking. You don’t want
Him to have to call on you a third time. It’s never pretty when it goes that
far to get your attention something in your life, He’s trying to change)
“Epic” continues.
There are moments that occur to remind us how astonishing
our real-life fairytale really is. It is more than a world of chaos and danger.
It is also a world of endless beauty and undying romance.
(At least it used to be; that’s been gone
since at least 12 and up) (Now is almost all bad all the time)
It is a world created out of love. The love between God
and us is unconditional.
(Um, excuse me, nope, that’s not true. That’s
not what the Bible says at all. As a matter of fact, it’s just the opposite.
God’s love is extremely conditional and we see this all the way from Genesis to
Revelation! Too many verses to show, God don’t play! You can’t just walk up in
His House talk any kind of way you want, stank, smoking, drinking with your dirty
feet up on His coffee table acting a monkey, what are you doing?! Where do you
think you’re at?! Conditions man! You got to clean it up, hair did, nails
clean, wash your behind, clean clothes, renewed heart, clean spirit,
rejuvenated attitude of humility and respect. This is the Creator! Not one of
your little friends in the street! – there is no such thing as Unconditional
Love! It’s not real! No more than “soul mates” are real, that is NOT Biblical –
https://www.truthaccordingtoscripture.com/documents/articles/conditional-love.php#.ZAK5yXbMIQ8
(Go on)
https://www.biblestudytools.com/topical-verses/bible-verses-about-agape-love/
God is the Creator of all things romantic from
colorful flowers to sunsets and moonlight. God is a hopeless romantic and sews
this deep affection into our hearts. Romance, love, sensuality, intimacy, sexuality
and intercourse are all the hand-crafted works of art from God.
Bible verse at top of page: …but those
who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like
eagles. Isaiah 40:31.
John 3:16; John 14:6 – in Greek or
English is still ‘terms and conditions’ – you have to get through Jesus to get
to God. Period. There’s no other way. You want a new clean eternal life? Get
with His Son and stay there. That’s the new terms and conditions. There’s no “unconditional”
do whatever you want to get here, no, go through my Son or not at all. Period. This
idea of Eros di Agape or God is love or God of love without Jesus is useless. Faith
without works is dead. Nothing we can do on our own can get us into heaven to
be with God. Nothing. It's Jesus or death. That’s it. Don’t listen to the fast slick tongue of the
world. They’re stupid. Stay in the Bible where the wisdom is. Mark 10: 17-31. All
day.
