JUST STOP IT! It’s silly talk

 

How I know I’m NOT ready to die. The list is a mile long but the obvious?! I’m still here! I haven’t sold all my belongings and given away everything I own…I didn’t quit my job…visit the last destination on the “bucket list” (pun intended); take the “TV” version of doing life’s most embarrassing risks without a care…I don’t put my life on the line for a stranger in some random heroic catastrophe. But wait. Then again, usually when people want to kill themselves, they don’t do any of these things. It’s usually ‘life as usual’ one day and then the next day “gone”.

 

The suicide victim usually leaves a trail of destruction in their wake. Bills, debt, possessions, jobs, loved ones, friends, family none-the-wiser until it’s too late.

 

I journaled this Oct 2022 and recording it into the collection nearly a year later 9/29/23 and it’s funny how the mood has shifted a bit. I’m glad I didn’t do something crass. Death is permanent. Back then, I said – who am I fooling. Coward. Too afraid to live; to effervescent to die.  Just stop. Talking about it. Let it go.

 

Young people do not have it better. No ones’ life is any more or less valuable than another. “White” people; rich people, females, anybody you “think” to yourself “must be nice” and all the other ridiculous flesh worship colloquialisms – comes from two places: lust and envy. Both are against the grain and lead straight to coveting. As far as I can remember, I always had a ‘grass is greener’ ‘eye candy’ problem. Ooh, this car, this suit, this apartment, this house, this girl, this job etc. I always had a problem thinking with that. I’ll be so glad to be truly healed from these internal afflictions. They literally ruined my life. So, yeah, remember, don’t covet.

 

Like I say, while you’re feeling like that about someone or something you see, someone else is doing the same to you! They see something or someone in your life that makes them feel the same way. I may be lonely and single but I have family and friends and a lot of people don’t have that. I have my health and other blessings not afforded to others and instead of being grateful, I’m feeling fear of missing out but…. I have to tell myself the “grass is NOT greener!” It’s just a different shade from where you’re standing.

 

Once you walk over to that side, you see, sure there’s a couple of nice things about it but again; there’s pros and cons to everything. Nothing in this life is perfect. No. nothing. Everything has a flaw. Everyone has many.  And just like that, I’m over it. This is stupid. What the hell am I doing. No more. Stinking thinking. Enough. I’m over it. This is boring.

 

BE THE CHANGE

 

(And then suddenly or maybe not so suddenly – a burst of “yay! Life is great!” could be worse! Enjoy it! Hope this lasts longer than a day. Longer. Longing. Longing to look for “love.” For the love of God not “lust.” Life. Live in laughter. Not loathing. Lost the negative. Get the gusto. Jovial. Joy. Joy of life. Being alive. Part of me can’t stop. If I do, I will feel it again. Maybe. Say NO to being lonely. DEATH to Loneliness – how ‘bout that. Die – lonely hearts – die! Spite by nose to save my…die! 2 sides… (I was clearly rambling here but it led to this little comparison)

 

LIGHT                    DARK

GOOD                         BAD

NEW                           OLD

FRESH                         REPETITIVE

CHARMING                OFFENSIVE

QUIET                         LOUD

GIVE IN                       GIVE UP

FLOW                         STOP

SMOOTH                    ROUGH

UP                               DOWN

FLIGHT                        GROUNDED

WHY NOT                  WHY

JUST BE                      UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

 

 

 

…LIGHT OUTSHINES DARKNESS…

            Dare to dream – push the limits – you are never too old if you really truly want something reach out for it and if the opportunity has passed you by; look into the alternatives that are the best fit for you at that moment; do not be afraid to seek a new passion; finding something new to be excited about can be rewarding; even if you don’t have one, the journey to find one can be exciting. Enjoy the journey, enjoy life!