How to Develop Sexual and Romantic Attraction to People Who Are Good for You
Cultivating healthy attractions: The love-skill we're never taught.
We can’t force our sexual attractions. Most of us have learned that the hard way.
Yet, there’s something profound that most of us have never been taught: Although sexual attractions can’t be controlled, they
can
be educated. This post will teach some ways to cultivate sexual and
romantic attraction to people who are kind, respectful and available.
Even if you’re relentlessly attracted to bad-boys or bad-girls, or to
unavailable people, you can still develop this capacity!
These
suggestions are not gimmicks, they are the lifelong skills of romance
and intimacy—the very same skills you will use to keep passion alive in
your next serious relationship. .
The Attraction Spectrum
Every
time we enter a room of people, we make choices based upon our
attractions: Whom do we notice? Whom do we pass over? Deb, a young
stockbroker from Chicago, once told me, “You know, it’s almost magical. I
can go to a party, and there’s always one person I’m most attracted to.
If I date him, within a few weeks or a few months I discover he has the
same emotional qualities as my previous partner. But when I first saw
him from across the room, I had no idea at all that this would be true!”
Search for a mental health professional near you.
Our attractions are forged in the deep space of our being,
born of countless, often unknowable forces. When we encounter someone
for the first time, our psyche and our heart begin an astonishingly
complex scan, picking up obvious cues like physique and facial
structure, but also noting myriad subtle cues such as
body language,
facial expression, the contour of the lips, the nuance of the voice,
and the muscles around the eyes. We instantly process all this
information without even knowing it. All we feel is desire or the lack
of it. Scientists tell us that a silkworm can
smell one other silkworm moth of the opposite
sex from six and a half miles away. While our mating instinct may not be as developed as this species of moth,
nature
has bestowed an exquisite sensitivity upon our romantic radar,
programmed to find just the right person to trigger whatever emotional
circuitry we need to work through.
All of us are attracted to a certain type that stops us dead in our tracks: a physical type, an emotional type, and a
personality
type. Let’s say that there is a spectrum of attraction, from one to
ten, and the people at the low end of the spectrum (like numbers one and
two) aren’t physically or romantically attractive to us at all. But
those on the “ten” end of the spectrum are icons: they’re compellingly
attractive, they make us weak in the knees, and they trigger both our
insecurities and our longing. Harville Hendrix, the founder of Imago
Therapy,
illuminates this phenomenon in a way which sheds light on our entire
intimacy journey. He teaches that these people are so attractive to
us in part because they embody not only the best, but also the the
worst emotional characteristics of our parents!
Even though we may be adults, all of us have unresolved
childhood hurts due to betrayal,
anger,
manipulation or abuse. Unconsciously, we seek healing through our
partner. And we try to achieve this healing by bonding with someone who
we sense might hurt us in similar ways to how we were hurt as children,
in the hope that we can convince him or her to finally love and accept
us.
Our conscious self is drawn to the positive qualities we yearn for, but our unconscious draws us to the qualities which remind us of how we were wounded the most.
This explains part of why we get so awkward and insecure around people we’re intensely attracted to.
It
also explains why our greatest heartbreaks often occur with these most
intense, fiery attractions. Some of us react to these past heartbreaks
by only dating those on the low end of the spectrum. We are frightened
of the intensity and the risk of painful loss when we deal with people
on the high end of the attraction scale. We often feel safest with
people who don’t do much for us on a physical or romantic level because
it just feels more comfortable that way. But the downside is usually
boredom, frustration and lack of passion.
Many others only date
people on the high end of the spectrum, just going for the iconic types,
because they believe that that’s where real love and passion lie. With
someone who is a “high number” on your attraction spectrum, you can tell
that you’re attracted in a fraction of a second. While this can be
achingly exciting, it’s rarely comfortable or secure.
In my experience, people who only date in the high number section of the spectrum are much more likely to remain single.
By
contrast, attraction to people who are more in the middle of the
spectrum is rarely immediate. With our mid-range attractions, it
usually takes more time to really get a sense of how interested we
really are.
People who are
willing to date in the
mid-range are more likely to find real and lasting love. It’s not a
matter of selling out, because immediate attraction isn’t the best
forecaster of future passion. Intense attractions blind us to the actual
quality of our interaction with others, and to the actual characters of
the people we date. Attractions can grow.
Many of us have had the experience of becoming more attracted to someone as we got to know him or her better.
Cultivating Attractions of Inspiration
So, what do we do when we meet someone who inspires us, and we feel some spark of attraction, but not enough to fall in love?
Sexual
attraction is much more mutable than we’ve been taught. We all have
types that turn us on immediately and intensely. But as I
said, attractions can grow. It's doubtful that you’ll become attracted
to someone who isn’t physically appealing to you. But if someone holds a
spark of attraction for you, and has other qualities you love, your
attraction can blossom. If you’re meeting someone for the first time,
don’t make a snap decision based upon whether you’re instantly attracted
on a physical level. If you’re not sure, just keep dating. In time,
something lovely may happen: He or she may actually become more
beautiful to you. And if not, you’ll know that it’s time to stop dating
them.
If you’ve ever seen artists working on a portrait, you will
notice that they often squint. Squinting helps them focus on the essence
of their subject without getting distracted by its harsh outlines. We
need to do the same in our dating life. It’s so easy to get lost in the
hard assessment of people’s imperfections, but it serves us better to
simply sense their spirit. That is what makes attractions grow.
As
we start to care more deeply about someone, invisible tendrils begin to
grow in our thinking, in our sexual imaginings and longings, in our
growing sense of dependence on that person. Our psyche, our sexuality,
and our hearts begin to create
attachment to that person, to make him or her our own.
When
we build muscle through exercise, our body creates new capillaries to
feed that muscle. When we create new love, something similar happens.
New
neural pathways, emotional pathways, new rituals, sense
memories
and needs get created. An entire web of new connections is created, as
our hearts allow this once-stranger to become our loved one. We become
specialized in them in so many ways. That’s why breakups can hurt with
real physical pain; these lovingly-built tendrils are being ripped out,
and that experience is anguish.
In many attractions of
inspiration, it can take time for our attraction to build. In such
cases, it can be difficult to stay; to resist fleeing in search of
something more clear-cut. As a result, many potentially wonderful
relationships get cut off before ever being given a chance. The truth is
that we can deepen our healthy attractions, and we can intensify the
passion in those attractions.
The more we focus on the things that trigger our desire, the more our passion can build.
If
there’s a spark of attraction to someone special, and if you want to
make that attraction grow, start by giving yourself space. No matter how
wonderful the person, you’re not obligated to be more attracted to him
or her than you are! Forcing your feelings will only block the natural
flow of attraction. Instead, allow yourself to reflect on what attracts
you to them; what turns you on and what you appreciate.
Think
emotionally, but think physically too. What parts of their body attract
you? What would you like to do with those parts? Take time to let your
fantasies
unfurl. You might simply want to hold hands at the movies. Or to kiss,
or just gently touch lips for a long time. You might desire to touch and
caress a part of your partner’s body, or have your partner do the same
to you. You might imagine quick hot sex, long, lazy sex, or a really
kinky fantasy. Honor whatever you’re imagining, and, as appropriate, see
if you can ask for what you want—and no more. That’s how we can grow
our passion.
I would also advise against having full sex for at
least the first five or six dates. When we desire someone and
then postpone the sex, surprising new pathways of attraction form. It’s a
great way to grow passion. More important, having sex too early is like
Miracle-Gro for our
fear of intimacy. It makes us want to flee. So go slowly on the outside, but allow yourself free rein in your fantasy life!
And
if your desire is more sensual than sexual, that’s fine too. A client
of mine met a man who lives in Europe. She knew she liked him but she
wasn’t attracted enough to want sex. She just wanted to cuddle. He
invited her to visit but she wasn’t sure if she should make the trip.
Speaking to her dating buddy, she said, “I don’t know if I should go all
the way to Europe just to cuddle with someone.” Her
wise
friend replied, “Really? I can’t think of a better reason to go to
Europe!” My client decided to take the trip, and over time they fell
deeply in love. She was wise enough to take all the time she needed, and
he was wise enough to let her.
If you'd like to sign
up for Ken's free upcoming teleclass "Discovering your Core Gifts" or
wish to receive information on his classes, events and writings, please click here.
© 2012 Ken Page,LCSW. All Rights Reserved
inShare